Creating Open Communication with Teens & People in Your Life • Betti Rooted Lionheart • Ep 72
Communicating with teenagers can be difficult when they withdraw, shut down, and keep to themselves. Let’s talk about how to create open lines of communication with our teens, which also applies to our relationships with friends, family, and other important people in our lives.
Where Does Teen Despair Come From?
Like adults, teens are aware of what is happening in the world. They have handheld devices that update them instantly, and the news and media rarely show the good things happening in life. With so much focus on the negative, the world’s problems can feel enormous.
That can create a particular kind of despair with grief, anger, and all the hard, heavy, yucky feelings. And this often comes with a heavy dose of, "There's no hope, and I can't do anything about this."
There can also be a lot of wondering about the future. Teens are asking deep questions, like:
- What on earth am I going to do with my life?
- What is out there for me career-wise with AI taking over so much of the employment?
- Is the planet even going to be livable?
These are big questions. And when someone is young and already trying to figure out who they are and what they want their life to be, carrying all of that can feel overwhelming.
Some people become numb to everything that's going on and start ignoring it. Others become so overwhelmed that they internalize it with this fear that there's nothing they can do and everything is crazy and scary.
And they're often NOT speaking to their parents or loved ones about it.
Create More Open Communication
One thing we can really do for our kids is share how we're feeling.
We don't have to try to make it look like we don't care when we care deeply. Sharing how we're feeling and modeling that can hopefully, over time, make it more comfortable for our teens to start speaking about how they're feeling.
Aloneness is such a huge part of the despair problem. Letting our kids know how we feel and making ourselves available matters. It doesn't have to be only about the big global topics and that level of despair, either. It can also be about being really real with our teens about our own lives and our own struggles.
There can be a tendency to feel like we need to protect our kids or shield them from things they don't need to know about. But there is also value in bringing them into the conversation and sharing our truth.
Sometimes that means having the courage to have conversations that are uncomfortable and that we might question. Is this appropriate? Do they need to know this about me? Those aren't always easy questions, but having those conversations can help create a more open relationship.
Micro Emotional Touches to Reconnect
Young people who are really in a state of shutdown may not be communicative or may not spend much time outside their bedroom or their bed. Some of that is absolutely normal. And some of it can move across the line into a place where we need to start worrying about the young person.
One simple thing to try is leaving little notes for your teen. Put a little "I love you" under their door. Put an "I see you" note at their spot at the dining table. Send them a text.
Think about some of the things you might do when you're in a new romantic relationship, like the little heart emojis you might send each other throughout the day.
By the time we have teenagers, we've lived with these people for 13, 14, 15, 16 years. That little "I'm thinking of you" or "I love you" moment can sometimes be long forgotten. Bringing some of that back can be extremely meaningful.
Try a Convo Around a Camp Fire
If you're in a place where you can safely have outdoor fires, fire can be a beautiful, transformative element. You can make it fun. You can have s'mores.
There is also something about sitting in a circle that can be connecting. Just being outside, being in relationship to fire, and sitting in something of a circle can be meaningful even if it doesn't elicit very deep conversations. Sometimes just being with the fire and staring into the flames can create a different kind of space.
And that can be helpful when you're trying to have an uncomfortable conversation, because you don’t have to make eye contact– you’re both looking naturally at the fire.
Hidden Value of Conversations in the Car
One of my favorite takeaways from this conversation was something I wouldn't have thought of myself: having an important conversation in the car. When you're in a car, there isn't an expectation of eye contact. You're both looking forward.
That can make it feel safer and more comfortable to get into a conversation that is uncomfortable because there isn't an expectation of eye contact.
None of these things is going to create an immediate shift or transformation, but they’re a good way to start cracking the door open. Sometimes a simple change in how we approach a conversation can create a little more space for connection.
Don't Accidentally Shut Someone Down
Sometimes we're doing things that aren't intentional but can affect how much a teen wants to communicate. One example is simply not being available. We can spend more time on our devices rather than communicating or being in relationship with each other.
But there's another really important piece that can shut a young person down. When your child is actually sharing something with you, you want to give them your undivided attention and fully LISTEN.
Resist any urges to jump in with your own story, like, "Oh, when I was your age..." And notice if your brain wanders and bring it right back to listening to your young person.
Don't Try to Fix & Solve Problems
Your job in the conversation is to LISTEN. Not to try to fix anything. Not to tell them what they should do, or how you would solve a problem they might be sharing with you.
Trying to solve someone else's problems can be the quickest way to shut a person down. They don't need solutions at this moment. They simply need to be heard. Being fully heard is something that is so rare in this world.
It's very common for us to want to help. Someone tells us something and we're immediately thinking, "Oh, I know exactly what you should do." But sometimes the person doesn't want to know what you think they should do.They just want to tell you something.
Unless they specifically ask, "Do you have any ideas?" or "What do you think I should do?" they are likely just wanting you to listen.
If you don’t learn how to listen without being the “fix-it-expert,” they’ll eventually learn not to talk to you about problems, because they don't want a lecture or someone telling them what they think they should do.
They just want to get it off their chest.
Set Up Your Own Listening Boundaries
Empower yourself when you’re on the talking end of these kinds of conversations where another person is the listener. You can strategically use your words to tell a person you want to confide in what you need from them. Try saying this:
"I really need you to just listen, and I don't want you to comment or try to problem solve. When I want those things, I'll ask for them, but right now I want you to just listen."
Instead of expecting someone else to automatically know what we need when sharing a conversation, we can tell them. Try using this listening boundary strategy and share this concept with the people you care about!
Don't Punish Your Teen for Trusting You
There is also an important "what not to do" when it comes to communicating with teens. If your teen shares something with you about something they shouldn't do, don't punish them.
If you dole out a punishment, you're slamming the door on them trusting you with that information again. And we really want that information. We want to be able to know what our young people are doing, and we want to be able to help them. Punishing can close communication and really damage relationships.
There may be something related to the thing they weren't supposed to do that they really need help with. If they don't feel safe speaking with you, they may not get that help.Keeping the communication open matters.
Open Communication Takes Patience
None of these suggestions is going to create an immediate shift or transformation. But they can help crack the door open to better communication.
Sometimes the person in front of us doesn't need our solution. They need our attention, with our ears open and our mouth firmly SHUT. They need to know that we see them, and that we're available.
And very often, the most supportive thing we can do is simply listen.
Betti Rooted Lionheart (she/her) is a Shamanic Healer who helps people transform trauma, rage, grief, and despair into Voice, Power, and Purpose. She is passionate about working with Teens, Queer People, and anyone who feels despair for the Earth and Humanity. Betti is a Spiritual & Emotional Empowerment Activist, Fire Priestess, Minister of the Church of Earth Healing, Mother of two Teenage Sons, Queer, and the founder of Braided Root Waters Healing Sanctuary in Trumansburg, NY. She offers (in-person & on-line) powerfully transformative Shamanic Healing Sessions, 1:1 Shamanic Mentorships for Teens, Shamanic Workshops, a Queer Despair & Resilience Circle, & a Wailing Circle.
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